Suitcase

I don’t remember how I like to sleep
The inside of a kitchen drawer
Or a suitcase-less floor

I know the elevator buttons here
React a bit too slowly
I know he’s letting go of me –
I don’t remember when it started, but I can feel it growing
I remember knowing
That this couldn’t last forever
I remember feeling better, I remember we were changing
I don’t remember breaking though I think we tried to fix it

When will he get angry that
My nerves are getting jumpy
I don’t remember feeling calmer though someone said I could be
I remember knowing they’ll choose what they want to see in me
I don’t remember losing the chance to take the stand
But there’s a suitcase in my hand
And somewhere else I need to be.

Better

I felt better today
But is better enough?
How do you know when it’s time to give up?
When is it time to stop being tough
And admit what we both know
We’d both be better if I chose to go
But is better enough?
I know things are rough
But there was a time things were better
Well, better than better – let me explain
There was a time when your name
Sent shivers down my spine
There was a time when just “fine”
Was never how we were
There was a time you had me all
Before you spent part of me on her
But when is it time to give up on what we were
And accept that just “better”
Should never be the goal
When is it time to walk away & fold?

Forward

Maybe things do work out

That they knew what they were talking about

When they said “time heals all”

And though the fall may leave scars

To live is to be marked

So wear them with pride

I think it’s time that I tried

To forgive and forget

To wish you the best

And to live my life better

To stop wondering whether

The pain was worth the pleasure

You weren’t my forever

And I’ll leave it at that

There’s no going back

And with that I will move forward

And with that I will move toward

The light – a flower toward the sun

I’ve decided to believe 

The best is yet to come.

Stipulations

You said “I love you but I’m leaving.”
When did you stop believing?
I guess forever’s not as long
As you imagine when you’re young
Since when did love unconditional
Come with stipulations?
All that I believed of love
Was just a fabrication.

Remember

I’ll remember you as

Those moments between asleep and awake

With the night still in my eyes

And the morning on my tongue

I’ll remember you as

Falling in love but being too young

To understand forever or

The meaning of a promise

I’ll remember your dishonest hands

Lofty plans and lack of strength

To see them through

I’ll remember you as

The reds that turned blue

And my reality check

As regrets, not yets and too little too late

You’ll remember me as

Your greatest mistake.

Distraction

One day I started to question your love –

That you could put me above

All the distractions of a city

Pretty silly how quickly doubt makes things

So sticky

But I find your love too risky

And I just don’t have it in me

To love without my limits

And you argue,

“That’s what love is!”

But how am I to give this

All with the distraction in your kisses

And the briskness in our mornings

And the bridges you won’t cross for me

How can I give all to you

If you’ll never get lost in me?

Callous

Heart sinks.

You’d think I’d learn to love you less

Well that’s not how love works I guess

At best I’ll think of you too often

At worst this heart inside my chest 

Will never stop beating for you –

A lonely wolf to a callous moon.

Enough

I could’ve been the thing that you needed

A love that’s not greedy 

But you refused to believe it.

When did all 

Stop being enough?

I love you but I’m giving up.

Not All

You taught me love is not all

And when I fall to fall slowly

I remember you told me

Not to love without limits

It seems so perfect when you’re in it

But love can be so fragile

And the talk of ever-after

Is often only that

And then, looking back,

What is it you’re left with?

At best with fragments of yourself —

At worst far less.

Illuminate

It’s like seeing the light
When you’d prefer to keep sleeping
Or finding the meaning
In a kiss claimed not to matter
I’d rather have kept
My unenlightened eyes closed
But if you know then you know
And there is no forgetting
There’s just the regretting
And then things fall apart
I’d rather my heart
Have been kept in your hands
But despite my desires
I now understand.