“there are worse things
than being alone
but it often takes
decades to realize this
and most often when you do
it’s too late
and there’s nothing worse
than too late”
― Charles Bukowski
If you and I no longer fit in this bed where do we go I knew you once behind all the smoke how could this all be a joke to you there’s a time and a place for our love so it goes If that place is gone then I guess I’ll let go but my open door policy’s officially closed I hope that you know – no one will fill that space for you, that’s up to you, and I fear that you’ll fail though once I did believe in you behind all the smoke and the lines that got blurred and the promises given that you wasted on her if you and I no longer fit in this bed it’s time to relinquish your place in my head though once I was sure opposites could attract I cannot be all the things that you lack, the spine in your back or the heart in your chest, infatuation at most but at worst even less.
I counted the days for a year to confirm
Time doesn’t feel as fast as I had hoped at most I would’ve wanted you to try since when did that become too much to ask for 365 days
I counted the length between your promises and I found the time so tedious remember when you needed this? I was all the things I swore I’d never be for 365 days
I waited for you time doesn’t feel as fast as I had hoped at most I would’ve thought that you were counting too why did I ever count on you at all?
I can feel it on my back
Today I won’t look back at love I’ve lost
Or time I squandered
Today I want to wander
Through the present
I said I loved you and I meant it
At the time
Today I find love isn’t timeless
And I’m finding I don’t mind this
Change feels good when body bends
Old ties cut loose and fables end
When daily truths usurp pretend
Pieces that will not uphold
That was bronze today is gold
Sunshine on my arms and neck
Today not burdened with regrets
No not yets, forget too lates
Today letting go of mistakes
I loved you once but that was then
I’ve found beginning from an end.
I think what needs to be said is this —
I miss the twists of your body
But not the way you twisted me
You turned me into someone spineless,
How can someone smart become so mindless?
I will never fill you in again.
And I’ll never be your sun, your moon
I know you’ll never howl for me
Wander the streets ’til you find what you lack
A place where you can rest your head
At best I was a body in your bed
At worst, much less.
I know you’ll never bend for me
Although I almost broke for you
That night, in your car, I could’ve sworn
I saw you bleed
But I’ll never be the things you need
And I will never try to be again.
I remember I believed in you
But I cannot remember why
If it’s only because you told me I could
I only have my self to blame
I wanted to believe that people change
You found one final way to let me down.
Time heals all, they say
I don’t know who, but they say
Time heals all
So I stomached the words and believed them to be true
And the minutes, they don’t
but the years somehow do
Someday you slowly
Find that you’re fine
A little less whole, and with a little less time
But fine just the same.
It wasn’t always good
But in some ways it was always good.
I feign respectability
And fall ill the morning of your ceremony
I wrote a card — “Congratulations
on the bullet you dodged”
The last words that I’ll write to you.
Yes, I believed in sacrifice —
One of those principals that sounded so right
When I couldn’t imagine
that I’d be the lamb
But now the knife is in your hand and
I think I’ve changed my mind.
If this is really how it ends
I will blame you for whatever happens next —
My heart’s quiet atrophy,
My misunderstanding of forever,
My hand’s steady tremor
Tomorrow morning as I picture you
And her, organizing your cupboard with your new
From someone who is happy for you
As I just feel forgotten
And drink my coffee black as a tribute to my loss.
To your credit,
I never found the words and I always will regret it
And I’m sure you both looked beautiful